BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture