When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
You Might Also Like
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Merry Christmas
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*