Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
You Might Also Like
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then