A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
You Might Also Like
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not