[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Seek kebab; not attention
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
How your email finds me
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that