ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Love this guy
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do