You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
A leaf blower, but for people.