people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
You Might Also Like
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile