In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“OMGJK” -atheists
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it