me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop