Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*