Inside you there are two wolves
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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Happy Star Wars day!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”