If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You Might Also Like
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝