I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
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Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
moms in horror movies
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”