EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”