App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Candles never taste the way they smell