No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE