Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
technically true but not a great slogan
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Still cracks me up
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.