Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What