The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
*checks Timeline*…
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.