I know this now 😂
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Cheer up.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!