[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Cheer up.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.