All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!