Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.