My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*