Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
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IT’S-A ME,
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.