Always a metermaid never a meter
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Where is your GOD now????
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle