One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.