beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The 6 types of sex
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!