Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato