The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Best table by far
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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