I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Lmbo
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
This will never not be funny to me.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.