The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.