I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
What number SPF blocks people?
hmm conte-me mais
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.