I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
what does he know…
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no