Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
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“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
how was your vacation
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*pronounces surface like Versace*
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
nyc:
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“no gods no masters” = leo
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.