Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If only
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?