23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The two types of wives
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨