“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Why is it spelled camouflage and not