A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My background check bounced.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Britain be like
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.