A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)