No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
iPhone X
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.