A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something