*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Finally
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron