I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
True statement👍😏😁
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists