I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
good let them take over I have had enough
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.