Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.