No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
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Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Thrilling chase underway
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February