If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents