A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets